Jan 24
Candy Crush
True confections from deep inside the gooey core of Woke Candy
The zeitgeist-channeling commentators at Fox News have done it again.
With slack-jawed bemusement, the network’s most popular talking head, Tucker Carlson, took on yet another egregious example of civilization’s decline: the dark harbinger of the approaching apocalypse known as Woke Candy.
On his Jan 21 show, Carlson mocked parent company of M&M’s Mars Inc.’s announcement the day before that it would make the product more “gender-inclusive” by updating the cartoon characters used in its branding. Specifically, Mars Inc. said it would make subtle changes to the shoes M&M’s female mascots wear as part of its “global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong, and society is inclusive.”
Carlson countered by arguing that M&M’s wanted all its characters to be “deeply unappealing and totally androgynous” (hinting at a possible kink we won’t delve into in this post but which others have probed unflinchingly).
Well, I for one support Carlson’s and Fox’s effort to deliver bitter truths without sugar coating them: to bite past the sweet, glossy surface into the murky, rotten core; to perform root canal to uncover fetid decay beneath society’s gleaming white enamel.
In that spirit, I offer other candy- and food-related scandals just waiting to be exposed by Fox News’ crack team of investigative journalists. Get to it team!
Skittles
These colors don’t run, my ass! They do all the time … over my fingers whenever I try to eat them. And what’s with the rainbow colors, anyway? Why not a variety of all-white Skittles, too (or off-white, anyway)?
Snickers
Little known fact, Snickers is named after the 1960s, leftist civil rights-anti-war group, SNCC. I heard about it on a Youtube channel I subscribe to called “Conspiracies ‘R’ Us,” so it must be true. Tucker, you should get to the bottom of this one. Who knows where it might lead — no doubt down a rabbit hole populated by the bug-eyed, stoner varmint peddling sugary treats and critical race theory to our children (see Froot Loops, below).
Juicy Fruit
I mean, what’s the deal, Wrigley? Why are you questioning my manhood?
Smarties
And what are the elites at Nestlé trying to say with their Smarties: that the rest of us Joe the Plumber types are dumb?
Jolly Green Giant
Birthed in General Mills’ blue state factory, Jolly Green Giant is living proof of the monstrosity that is the Green New Deal — and wokeness in general. I mean, what on earth is that male giant wearing, anyway, some kind of leafy miniskirt? I don’t want to see his jolly green junk, ok!? (The real General Mills is probably rolling over in his grave.) Stop trying to seduce me — us — with Jolly’s ripe and rippling biceps and his tight, green pecs, ok? Not this time, liberal elites! You’re not going to push your gay vegan fantasies on red-blooded, meat-loving ’muricans. Not on my watch. Go get ’em Tucker!
Froot Loops
Again, we will not stand by and have some LGBTQ agenda shoved down our throats, even if it is all sweet and tasty as it goes down. In fact, that makes it all the more sinister. And they thought they could fool us by spelling “fruit” with two “o”s?! How dare they trick us like that. Tricks are for kids; not for wholesome, eagle-eyed patriots … who are adult.
Kool-Aid Man
Ok, Kool-Aid Man is fine. I drink the Kool-Aid all the time and it has not affected my perception of reality one iota. I have a really good sense of what the genuine threats to society are. Drinking a fruit-adjacent mix of artificial sweeteners, space-age polymers and possibly the same chemicals used in paint thinner has only helped me see those threats more clearly.
